How to Win Friends and Take Over the World
by Silently Watches
Summary: In which Voldemort is NOT an idiot, and so the world burns. One-shot.


**This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands: I get ideas that would throw the whole of Harry Potter canon into disarray. I wouldn't be surprised to find that someone else has already pointed this out – and probably in a better way – but oh well.**

**Disclaimer:** Had Voldemort ever even _heard_ of the Evil Overlord's List before attempting to conquer Britain? If not, I don't own the Harry Potter franchise; it belongs to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros., and whomever else she sold the rights to.

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><p>The Dark Lord Voldemort raised an eyebrow as his connection to his Dark Marks informed him that one of his followers had not left the meeting alongside the others. "I find it strange that you chose to stay behind, Severus." Turning around, he looked down from his dais at the still-kneeling wizard. "Enlighten me why that would be."<p>

"M-Milord," the man stuttered, and wasn't that just so _interesting_? Severus Snape, though a Halfblood, was always a self-confident and poised individual. For him to be nervous, what he must want to say would be intriguing, to say the least. "I-I am sure that you recall the prophecy I gave you not three months ago—"

"One with the power to vanquish me, born to those who thrice defied me, so on and so forth. I take it you have managed to come across the missing half, then?"

Severus gulped nearly inaudibly. Nearly. "N-Not as such, milord—"

"Then _why_ have you chosen to bother me?" he hissed silkily.

"B-Because I found out who the child is!"

_Oh_. Now _that_ was welcome news, indeed. He laughed softly, the sound sibilant and smooth; it also caused the young Death Eater to shiver in fear. "Don't keep me in suspense, Severus. Come, tell me what you have learned."

"Yes, Master," the wizard answered, creeping closer. "I have an informant in St. Mungo's, and she told me that Alice Longbottom, a member of Dumbledore's Order, gave birth only last week to a child. A son named Neville."

"I see," he replied, thinking over the news. The Longbottoms were an old family; sending the Death Eaters after them, blood traitors though they were, would be rather difficult. He supposed he would just have to go himself. His Legilimency, always active, informed him of something else then. "But that's not all, _is it_, Severus?"

With a shudder, his servant shook his head in denial. "There was one other, milord. Lily Potter."

The Mudblood. It would be easier to motivate the killers who followed him to go after her, but just as with the Longbottoms, the blood purity nonsense he used to attract his soldiers could work against him. He could not be seen to be wary of a Mudblood or her Halfblood brat. "I see. Your service is appreciated. You may go.

"Or is their something else?" he asked when the younger wizard still did not retreat.

"There is, Master." Taking a deep breath, Severus begged, "The son is the only threat to you, is he not, milord? He is the one you wish to dispose of? You do not _need_ to kill everyone there? Not that I would think to— that I would ever presume—"

"_Get_ to the _point_."

"It is… It is Lily, my Master. Is it possible for you to… _perhaps_… leave her alive?"

Both Voldemort's eyebrows rose at that, and he seated himself in his throne. "An unusual request. Look at me." Hesitantly, Severus raised his head, and the Dark Lord peered into black eyes to find the source of such a plea. "Well, if that isn't _interesting_. You have _feelings_ for the girl."

"I-I assure you, milord, it is nothing—" the man began, only to be cut off by an impatient wave of Voldemort's hand.

"I do not _care_ what manner of depravity arouses your desire. If you wish to cavort with a Mudblood after I have dismissed you, it is irrelevant to me, so long as"—he swept down the low stairs and captured Severus's left arm, baring the Dark Mark for the world to see—"you remember _who_ holds your ultimate allegiance. Do I make myself _clear_?"

"P-P-Perfectly, my lord," the Death Eater forced out, his eyes wide in terror.

"Do not look at me like that, Severus. After all, you discovered the prophecy, and you have now brought to my awareness just whom it refers to. I _always_ reward those who serve me faithfully." He returned to his chair and gestured the wizard away. "I have heard your request and found it acceptable. Your oh-so-precious Mudblood will be safe."

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><p>"<em>Avada Kedavra<em>."

James Potter fell to the floor; his wand, the one his desperate scrambling had only just reclaimed, tumbled out of his hand and away from his cooling corpse. Rolling his eyes at the, quite frankly, _pathetic_ resistance the Light wizard had demonstrated, Voldemort turned to the stairs. _And to think, _**_these_**_ people were able to defy me not once, not twice, but _**_three_**_ different times. It makes me wonder if I might just be losing my touch_.

Once he reached the top of the staircase, he did not have to wonder where the witch and bouncing baby boy had disappeared to. From one closed door he could hear a woman's panicked mutterings, and he quirked his lips in curiosity. Was she trying to pacify the brat, or was she perhaps setting up some manner of desperate defense instead?

Only one way to find out.

"_Depulso_." The door banged open, revealing to his crimson gaze a revoltingly decorated nursery. In the back of the room lay a crib, discordant squeals coming from inside, and between him and his goal stood Lily Potter. Tutting quietly, he taunted, "I was expecting more from your husband. Tell me, will _you_ prove to be a greater challenge?"

Rather than rise to her own defense, the Mudblood held her empty hands out in front of her. "Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"

"Stand aside, you silly girl." The witch stayed in place, still repeating her litany of denials. "Stand aside, _now_."

"Not Harry, please no! Take me, kill me instead!"

_Enough of this twattle_. He aimed his wand at the dead-center of her chest. "_Stupefy_."

Severus would be pleased, and with this small action, the Death Eater would be yet another who knew for certain that he _always_ kept his word, be it promises of rewards… or terrible pain and death.

Her expression – shock, incredulity, and stark terror – caught him off-guard. Before he lost any further time wondering what she was expecting or planning, however, he stepped over her unconscious form and approached the child that had become such an annoyance over the past year and a half. "So this is my ordained destroyer?" he murmured, staring down at the bawling toddler. "Color me unimpressed."

The incantation for the Killing Curse leapt to his lips, but before he voiced them, another thought crossed his mind. Fate and Destiny said that _this_ child – this screaming, chubby, smelly infant that likely could not stand on his own two legs – would be his downfall; a quick death as he had originally planned was just… too _plebeian_ for such temerity.

He needed something _special_.

"_Expungo pneuma_." The toddler's squalling suddenly stopped as it found itself unable to force any air past the Dark Lord's curse. "Well? You are supposed to have the power to _vanquish_ me. Show me this astonishing ability. Incinerate me. Obliterate me. Eradicate me from existence!"

The infant only lay twitching in its crib, skin rapidly turning blue.

"Is this truly the _best_ the forces of the Light can offer to oppose me? A useless, _pitiful child_?! And they wonder why I have torn through them like a scythe through the fields! As if I am supposed to cower in fear before a sniveling brat! Where is my doom?!" He turned an angry glare to the cradle. "Oh. It's already dead."

Voldemort shook his head in unrestrained disappointment and turned away from the tiny body. A wave of his wand transfigured the girl, and he raised an eyebrow at the marble figurine he had absent-mindedly turned her into. "A hornet? Is this meant to be an omen? Perhaps you'll be of further entertainment to me, after all.

"But that is in the future, not now," he sighed, pocketing his Death Eater's prize. "No, now I have an appointment with the Longbottoms, and I do so _hate_ to keep my hosts waiting."

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><p><strong>…<strong>**Shit, my mind wanders to dark places sometimes.**

**Voldemort is, unfortunately, quite disappointing in canon when you stop and think about it. He's supposed to be a master of the Dark Arts and an ****_intelligent_**** evil wizard, but he can't figure out how to get an unarmed woman out of his way ****_without_**** killing her? ****_Please_****.**

**Silently Watches out.**


End file.
